Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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