It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
