I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
