So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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