I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
