just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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