i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
