Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my shit smells like andre
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
