I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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