I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
