If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
