My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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