yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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