A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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