Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
