If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
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This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
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My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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