I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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