Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
