drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
