Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Randomize
