I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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