Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
