Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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