literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
