just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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