Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
