i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
