You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
