And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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