Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
