eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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