Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
