Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He has the fingertips of a God
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
