I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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