piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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