i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
