i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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