My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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