I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
