Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
