booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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