dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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