life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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