Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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