Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
