'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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