Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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