I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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