Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
