I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I bet he comes in French.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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