I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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