I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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