I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
