Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
