Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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