Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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