You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
