My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
