OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just forgot I was standing up.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
