Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
