If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
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you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
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Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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