My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
